Today, 24 years ago, my brother was murdered. I can remember that for years and years I started dreading February 5th in December at the latest. Every time of the year was measured by when Lewie died. He was the middle boy, 11 years younger than me. Two years older than Mr. Addict; two years younger than Andy. Andy is dead now, too. From a combination of physical disease and addiction. He had scleroderma since he was a child, then developed type one (juvenile) diabetes in his 20's. No one expected Andy to live to be an adult, but he died in December 2000, just after his 42nd birthday. He died at the house in Mom's arms.
Lewie died in Andy's arms at the age of 22. No one expected him to die. He was the bright shining star of the boys in the family. But he was stabbed through the heart. Mom and Dad never got over it. Neither did Andy. His addiction took off at a full run then. So did mine, but I hit my own personal brick wall three years later and staggered into the rooms of recovery. Unfortunately, neither Dad nor Andy sought any help and their grief ate them up inside.
My mother and I were involved in Parents of Murdered Children for some years after Lewie's death. It helped a little.
Even after all these years, I think "what a waste; what a loss." Lewie was so smart, creative, innovative, kind hearted. He could fix anything and he would have been in 7th heaven with computers!! Maybe he's in 7th heaven now anyway. Maybe they've got computers in heaven.
I flew out to Texas when it happened. To help Andy bring Lewie back home. I saw Lewie's body - after autopsy - on a gurney in the hall at the medical examiner's. I needed to see his body and say goodbye, but the sight haunted me for a long, long time. We had him cremated and I held his warm ashes on my lap on the plane home.
I don't have a candle here at work to light. I forgot, can you believe that? The candle, not the anniversary. I used to call Mom on this day and just let her know I remembered. Maybe I'll call my sister. There's not very many people left who remember Lewie. My children were very young when it happened. My wife, of course, never knew him. Dad, Mom, and Andy are gone too. There's just sister, Mr. Addict, and myself. Someday there won't be anyone left that remembers me, either. What a strange thought.
If we're forgotten, does it mean we really didn't exist? Is that just the end of us? I don't THINK that can be right, but what the hell do I know, really?
Lewie, I love you and still miss you. You'd be happy for me if you were still here. You didn't like my using drugs. I choose to think that he knows, and IS happy for me, even now. But, still, I wish he'd stayed and our lives hadn't been utterly torn apart at about 8pm on that Saturday evening, February 5, 1983.
Monday, February 5, 2007
Saturday, February 3, 2007
DOC DANCE
Yesterday Bee told me that she was doing the doc dance b/c her cruise documents had come in. She was raving about the way they were packaged. Now, my wife and I are going with Bee and Charlie on the cruise and booked with the same travel agent, so I immediately thought, "Where's MINE?" I called home and DC said, no, no DHL delivered package was there. Hmmmm.
So I got thinking. I wonder if I told the travel agency we'd moved? The cruise line knew b/c I'd (like the good little anal-retentive person I can be) already filled out our immigration papers online. So, they had our new address. So, all the travel agency had to do, if they didn't have our new address , is check the address on the cruise documents, and - voila - we'd have it sent to the correct place! But the DHL package wasn't there. And Bee and Charlie had THEIRS already and we didn't have ours. Hmmmmm.
Then I thought, 'I think I knew we were moving when I first made the reservations, so surely I gave the agent our new address when I booked the cruise.' Yeah. Well. Except for the fact that I still lived at the other address THEN and would have wanted anything they sent to me come to my PRESENT address, so that probably wasn't what I did. Darn.
Then I started to worry. Called the travel agency, but didn't our agent had changed b/c the one we booked with left the agency. Finally found the one that took over our booking, but of course she wasn't there. I left a message. Surely they didn't send those precious cruise documents to the old address??! Surely DHL didn't leave them there on the doorstep. We used to live in a large apartment complex. Large. Apartment complex. Get the picture? Anything that looked valuable just left sitting in front of some apartment door was fair game. Oh shit!! Surely they didn't do that.
My wife and I are sitting in the living room watching a movie (yea Netflix!) when my cell phone rings and it's some number I didn't recognize. So I didn't answer it. They left no message.
Then I get a call from the travel agent (finally). The worst was true. Yes, she had my old address (I promptly gave her our new one), and, yep, she duly sent our docs out via DHL to the old address. DHL showed it had been delivered that day. Wonderful.
I informed the agent that this could be a disaster b/c of the unsecure location if DHL left it on the doorstep and the unknown element of who - if anybody - lived in our old apartment now. She said she'd contact DHL and tell them to pick it up, but she warned me they might not be able to get back out there until Monday (this was Friday).
While I was talking to the agent, that other number who'd called before beeped in. I ignored it. BUT, when I got off the phone with the agent, I realized that the telephone number's prefix was the same as ours used to be. A Boynton number. I said "oh my God, DC, I wonder if it's the people who live in our old apartment who called?" She had my cell phone, and called the number back. It went straight to voice mail. She left a message. We went back to the movie. But I was restless and a few minutes later, I asked DC to call the number back. She'd already started dialing.
You probably guessed it. A woman answers and DC asks "Did you call this number?" The woman says yes and then asks, "Were you expecting a package from DHL?" My wife quickly told her YES and then we all started to figure out how and when we could get it. We realized that the safest thing was to just go down there. But the woman was going out, and she offered to leave it under the doormat. Since we'd be missing each other by a short period of time, we said that would be ok. We also told her we'd be leaving a "thank you" under the mat.
DC and I were in our pjs. We hadn't intended on going anywhere last night. We looked at each other and she said, "I'm going in this" and I said "me too" so we both threw on a pair of flip flops and were out the door in seconds flat.
40 minutes or so later we pulled up in front of our old building. Thankfully, we hadn't got stopped for anything. Probably b/c DC was driving and not me. DC jumped out of the car and came back moments later with our package in hand. We left the woman a nice bonus for her kindness, integrity and honesty.
Bee was right, the document holder was very stylish. Of course we couldn't wait to get home before tearing it open and looking at our TICKETS!! When we got home, we literally jumped up and down together yelling "We got our documents! We're going on a CRUISE!!" OK, ok, we're easy to please. And excitable. And still in our pjs. Good thing the woman really WAS out and we didn't have to "make nice" with her standing there in our nightgowns.
Having the documents somehow always makes it seem so REAL, so CLOSE. I dreamed about it last night. We were supposed to leave that day and I hadn't even packed yet!!! Now, that probably won't happen. Not with ole list-maker-every-little-detail-gone-over-with-fine-tooth-comb me!
I told my grief counselor that lately all that keeps me going is looking forward to the next vacation. She said anything that works for now and it'll get better. I thank God that Bee suggested it back in July. She was right, it really DOES help to have something to look forward to. I'll try not to think about how nice it would be if Mommy was coming too. Maybe she will be in spirit. I know she'd be happy we're going. I'll hang onto that thought.
So I got thinking. I wonder if I told the travel agency we'd moved? The cruise line knew b/c I'd (like the good little anal-retentive person I can be) already filled out our immigration papers online. So, they had our new address. So, all the travel agency had to do, if they didn't have our new address , is check the address on the cruise documents, and - voila - we'd have it sent to the correct place! But the DHL package wasn't there. And Bee and Charlie had THEIRS already and we didn't have ours. Hmmmmm.
Then I thought, 'I think I knew we were moving when I first made the reservations, so surely I gave the agent our new address when I booked the cruise.' Yeah. Well. Except for the fact that I still lived at the other address THEN and would have wanted anything they sent to me come to my PRESENT address, so that probably wasn't what I did. Darn.
Then I started to worry. Called the travel agency, but didn't our agent had changed b/c the one we booked with left the agency. Finally found the one that took over our booking, but of course she wasn't there. I left a message. Surely they didn't send those precious cruise documents to the old address??! Surely DHL didn't leave them there on the doorstep. We used to live in a large apartment complex. Large. Apartment complex. Get the picture? Anything that looked valuable just left sitting in front of some apartment door was fair game. Oh shit!! Surely they didn't do that.
My wife and I are sitting in the living room watching a movie (yea Netflix!) when my cell phone rings and it's some number I didn't recognize. So I didn't answer it. They left no message.
Then I get a call from the travel agent (finally). The worst was true. Yes, she had my old address (I promptly gave her our new one), and, yep, she duly sent our docs out via DHL to the old address. DHL showed it had been delivered that day. Wonderful.
I informed the agent that this could be a disaster b/c of the unsecure location if DHL left it on the doorstep and the unknown element of who - if anybody - lived in our old apartment now. She said she'd contact DHL and tell them to pick it up, but she warned me they might not be able to get back out there until Monday (this was Friday).
While I was talking to the agent, that other number who'd called before beeped in. I ignored it. BUT, when I got off the phone with the agent, I realized that the telephone number's prefix was the same as ours used to be. A Boynton number. I said "oh my God, DC, I wonder if it's the people who live in our old apartment who called?" She had my cell phone, and called the number back. It went straight to voice mail. She left a message. We went back to the movie. But I was restless and a few minutes later, I asked DC to call the number back. She'd already started dialing.
You probably guessed it. A woman answers and DC asks "Did you call this number?" The woman says yes and then asks, "Were you expecting a package from DHL?" My wife quickly told her YES and then we all started to figure out how and when we could get it. We realized that the safest thing was to just go down there. But the woman was going out, and she offered to leave it under the doormat. Since we'd be missing each other by a short period of time, we said that would be ok. We also told her we'd be leaving a "thank you" under the mat.
DC and I were in our pjs. We hadn't intended on going anywhere last night. We looked at each other and she said, "I'm going in this" and I said "me too" so we both threw on a pair of flip flops and were out the door in seconds flat.
40 minutes or so later we pulled up in front of our old building. Thankfully, we hadn't got stopped for anything. Probably b/c DC was driving and not me. DC jumped out of the car and came back moments later with our package in hand. We left the woman a nice bonus for her kindness, integrity and honesty.
Bee was right, the document holder was very stylish. Of course we couldn't wait to get home before tearing it open and looking at our TICKETS!! When we got home, we literally jumped up and down together yelling "We got our documents! We're going on a CRUISE!!" OK, ok, we're easy to please. And excitable. And still in our pjs. Good thing the woman really WAS out and we didn't have to "make nice" with her standing there in our nightgowns.
Having the documents somehow always makes it seem so REAL, so CLOSE. I dreamed about it last night. We were supposed to leave that day and I hadn't even packed yet!!! Now, that probably won't happen. Not with ole list-maker-every-little-detail-gone-over-with-fine-tooth-comb me!
I told my grief counselor that lately all that keeps me going is looking forward to the next vacation. She said anything that works for now and it'll get better. I thank God that Bee suggested it back in July. She was right, it really DOES help to have something to look forward to. I'll try not to think about how nice it would be if Mommy was coming too. Maybe she will be in spirit. I know she'd be happy we're going. I'll hang onto that thought.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Mo's meme
At least I think it's called a meme. I'm so lost at all this it's pathetic.
Well, even though Bee has written all about cruising the high seas, I've gotta admit that's what I think of first when I hear the word "cruise." Other thoughts are cruising for a hot date, drugs, and Tom.
But the "cruise" I like best by far is the kind that takes you out on the water! I don't know how to do photos yet, so I'll just have to describe what I like about cruises.
I ADORE the anticipation of an upcoming cruise! I get a cruise brochure and study it like I was going to take an exam. Except that's it's fun (for me). I study the floor plan until I have it just about memorized. I look to see where our cabin is and what's around us; what's overhead, what's below; how many decks down to the casino, etc. By the time I actually set foot on the ship, I know my way around pretty much. While I'm looking at this flat piece of paper with decks plans on it, I'm visualizing how it's actually going to look and feel. I imagine myself out on the balcony of our cabin having a morning cup of coffee and looking over the waves. Without a care in the world. No place I have to go; nothing I have to do. No phones, no agenda. My biggest decision is where to have our (second) breakfast. (The "starter" breakfast having already been delivered to our stateroom!)
I love buying new play clothes for the cruise, and this year we'll have to because we've both gotten TOO FAT to use our older play clothes! Well, we may be fat on our cruise, but we'll be dressed nicely. (Maybe we'll think about the wisdom of having that "first" breakfast and just stick to coffee and juice as a wake-up). Or not.
I get on the CruiseCritic boards and read every little thing fellow cruisers say about our particular ship or cruising in general. Sometimes we get a roll call going and I get to talk to different folks that are going to be traveling on the same cruise. That's fun and heightens the anticipation. Of course, I have a countdown clock to tell me exactly how many days, hours and minutes I have to the upcoming cruise. . .
Did I tell you about the packing lists I start a couple of months ahead. Actually, I haven't started one yet for our cruise in March, which is really unlike me. I guess this past year has subdued some of my enthusiasm.
The most magic moment for me - well, ok, there's a couple of "most magic" moments for me on a cruise - is when you finally get through all the paperwork, get your photo taken, wait in line, THEN THAT FANTASTIC MOMENT WHEN YOUR FOOT ACTUALLY STEPS ABOARD YOUR SHIP!!! My breath catches every time that happens. I'm FINALLY on the ship, about to head out to sea! Wow. Another magic moment is first setting eyes on your stateroom. Better yet is the moment when you realize the ship is moving and you're underway!
I love the water. It feels like I'm in paradise when I sit on a lounge chair on one of the upper decks gazing at the stars, hearing the waves hitting the sides of the ship, smelling the sea air, and having a beverage on hand and knowing that all this AND we've actually traveling someplace!! That's a whoo-hoo to me. It's romantic. Plain ole romantic to the max.
Flying used to be romantic and magical to me. Back when you were treated as a special guest, instead of being hearded like cattle. Cruising remains romantic and magical. Maybe if I cruised 10 times a year it might lose some of it's awesomeness, but even then I doubt it (and since I don't have the bucks to do that, I prolly am safe from finding out if it gets boring!)
Cruising to me is like the ultimate "ohmmmmm" of the soul. I'm with Bee all the way on this subject. Thanks for bringing it up, Mo!
Well, even though Bee has written all about cruising the high seas, I've gotta admit that's what I think of first when I hear the word "cruise." Other thoughts are cruising for a hot date, drugs, and Tom.
But the "cruise" I like best by far is the kind that takes you out on the water! I don't know how to do photos yet, so I'll just have to describe what I like about cruises.
I ADORE the anticipation of an upcoming cruise! I get a cruise brochure and study it like I was going to take an exam. Except that's it's fun (for me). I study the floor plan until I have it just about memorized. I look to see where our cabin is and what's around us; what's overhead, what's below; how many decks down to the casino, etc. By the time I actually set foot on the ship, I know my way around pretty much. While I'm looking at this flat piece of paper with decks plans on it, I'm visualizing how it's actually going to look and feel. I imagine myself out on the balcony of our cabin having a morning cup of coffee and looking over the waves. Without a care in the world. No place I have to go; nothing I have to do. No phones, no agenda. My biggest decision is where to have our (second) breakfast. (The "starter" breakfast having already been delivered to our stateroom!)
I love buying new play clothes for the cruise, and this year we'll have to because we've both gotten TOO FAT to use our older play clothes! Well, we may be fat on our cruise, but we'll be dressed nicely. (Maybe we'll think about the wisdom of having that "first" breakfast and just stick to coffee and juice as a wake-up). Or not.
I get on the CruiseCritic boards and read every little thing fellow cruisers say about our particular ship or cruising in general. Sometimes we get a roll call going and I get to talk to different folks that are going to be traveling on the same cruise. That's fun and heightens the anticipation. Of course, I have a countdown clock to tell me exactly how many days, hours and minutes I have to the upcoming cruise. . .
Did I tell you about the packing lists I start a couple of months ahead. Actually, I haven't started one yet for our cruise in March, which is really unlike me. I guess this past year has subdued some of my enthusiasm.
The most magic moment for me - well, ok, there's a couple of "most magic" moments for me on a cruise - is when you finally get through all the paperwork, get your photo taken, wait in line, THEN THAT FANTASTIC MOMENT WHEN YOUR FOOT ACTUALLY STEPS ABOARD YOUR SHIP!!! My breath catches every time that happens. I'm FINALLY on the ship, about to head out to sea! Wow. Another magic moment is first setting eyes on your stateroom. Better yet is the moment when you realize the ship is moving and you're underway!
I love the water. It feels like I'm in paradise when I sit on a lounge chair on one of the upper decks gazing at the stars, hearing the waves hitting the sides of the ship, smelling the sea air, and having a beverage on hand and knowing that all this AND we've actually traveling someplace!! That's a whoo-hoo to me. It's romantic. Plain ole romantic to the max.
Flying used to be romantic and magical to me. Back when you were treated as a special guest, instead of being hearded like cattle. Cruising remains romantic and magical. Maybe if I cruised 10 times a year it might lose some of it's awesomeness, but even then I doubt it (and since I don't have the bucks to do that, I prolly am safe from finding out if it gets boring!)
Cruising to me is like the ultimate "ohmmmmm" of the soul. I'm with Bee all the way on this subject. Thanks for bringing it up, Mo!
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Retreat
I've been putting off writing about my experience at the last Spiritual Retreat I went to the weekend of the 18th. It's not a religious retreat, but a 12-step recovery one. I've been going to it ever since it's inception 18 years ago. It's funny, though, how the years I've come close to not going have turned out to be the ones that I needed the most. Go figure. This year was one of those times. If it hadn't been for my friends from out of town who were also going, I might not have gone. Dumb me. After 20 years of sobriety, I still have self-destructive instincts.
We stay in fairly rustic type cabins. Each one is CBS; I think sometime along the line they finally put something over the bare cinder blocks (though not in the bathrooms). The cabins are divided in half, with 10 beds each side and a bathroom on each side. Bunk beds. 5 per side of the cabin. Can you see 10 women sharing one bathroom for a long weekend? It should be total chaos, but believe it or not it's never really been a problem in all the years I've been going. Weird.
Anyway, I had to work Thursday, so got there that night and my wife and friends had registered me and grabbed a bunk for me, so I was all taken care of. There are a lot of people I only see at the retreat, and spent some time saying hello to them. I'm like one of Pavlov's dogs; just getting to the retreat grounds makes my mind and body relax to a great extent. Still, I felt off and not quite "there."
We have "cabin meetings" at retreat where the whole 20 people in the cabin hold a recovery meeting for 2 hours. Many times it's longer than that. In the evening meeting on Thursday, I started to get an inkling of what I was really feeling. At the cabin meeting, I was finally able to acknowledge it. I was (am) angry. No, I mean ANGRY!! ENRAGED!! FURIOUS!!! I think I've been angry, enraged and furious for a long time. I thought I was sad and depressed. And I suppose I am those things, too. Why, I wonder, has it taken me so long to realize (and accept) that I'm over the top MAD?!
What I found out about what was going on inside me was that: I'M FUCKING FURIOUS THAT MY FUCKING MOTHER ABANDONED ME!! SHE LEFT ME!! ALONE. HERE TO DEAL WITH EVERYTHING . . . HER HOUSE THAT SHE LET MR. ADDICT ALL BUT DESTROY AND I HAD TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO GET HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE AND GET THE HOUSE CLEANED UP AND GET IT READY TO SELL. HER CLOTHES AND BELOVED THINGS THAT BROKE MY GODDAMN HEART TO HAVE TO SORT THROUGH AND DECIDE WHAT TO KEEP, WHAT TO GIVE TO MY SISTER, WHAT TO SAVE FOR MY FUCKING BROTHER MR. ADDICT. ALL THE WHILE MY HEART'S BEING RIPPED OUT OF MY CHEST BECAUSE MY MOTHER LEFT ME!! SHE COULD HAVE STAYED, I JUST KNOW SHE COULD HAVE, BUT SHE DIDN'T. SHE PROBABLY THOUGHT I'D BE FINE, BECAUSE TO HER I WAS ALWAYS THE STRONG ONE WHO COULD HANDLE ANYTHING. BUT I CAN'T HANDLE EVERYTHING. Didn't she know that I only handled everything for her?? I'm mad because she's gone. I'm mad because I got stuck with all the leftover crap. I don't even really KNOW WHY I'm so goddamn mad. I've been so angry at God. Now, THAT I WAS aware of. Who better to be angry with? And underneath and through it all, I'm angry with myself for not saving her. I could have, should have done something different. SOMETHING. Something so that it would come out different and she wouldn't be dead.
It felt better to admit that I was that mad at life. No one condemned me. I think a few actually understood. Maybe more than a few. All I saw was love and acceptance in that circle. And I was going to deny myself this healing. Geez.
We have a campfire meeting every night, but a special one on Saturday night. It's called a "letting go" ceremony. Every person finds a pine cone. Into that pine cone they put anything, everything they want to let go of/leave behind/change. Then they step forward at the bonfire and tell the group what that pine cone represents; what they're getting rid of. Then they throw it into the fire and let the flames take it. This year I told those at the campfire that I wasn't ready to let go of my mother, or even my grief for my mother. Not yet. I told them that maybe I SHOULD throw my resentment for Mr. Addict in the fire, but I wasn't ready to let go of that yet, either. Maybe next year. But I knew one thing that I needed to let go of and was ready to let go of, and that was my desire to leave this world. I told them that I was throwing away my thoughts of suicide and letting go of my desire to check out. Those thoughts would not be entertained (or "romanced" as my wife says) by me anymore. I got loving hugs from several people, then I took my chair by the fire to watch and listen to the others as they made commitments to leave various troubles behind.
An old friend - more of an acquaintance, really; someone who's been around the rooms of recovery about as long as I have - stepped up to the fire with a giant pine cone in his hand. He shared about the size of it representing some things he wanted to let go of. I wasn't paying real close attention until I heard him say, "but I'm not throwing it in the fire, I'm giving it to Rose to bring back with her next year." So saying, he stepped over to me and whispered that he expected me to take good care of that pine cone and bring it back next year so I could let go of the things I wasn't ready to leave behind this year. He made me promise. Twice.
I was dumb with shock. It took me a little while to understand that it wasn't just about him wanting me to let go of my Mom and Mr. Addict. In fact, it might not have been about that at all. He was trying to make sure that I would be around to come back next year. Wow. We really don't know the effect we have on other people. I like to think, when I'm buried in my self-pity, wanting to die, that it wouldn't affect that many people. That's the addict part of me who wants what I want and doesn't want to fully realize the impact my actions might have on other people. How selfish and self-centered.
I feel humbled by their caring. I felt safe in their love and acceptance. That was all waiting for me, but I'd cut myself away from most of it. If I believed I wasn't important and nobody cared, I could wallow in my misery with no thought of anyone else. And, ok, maybe I needed to wallow awhile. But after Spiritual Retreat, I can't lie to myself anymore.
I put the pine cone up on the bookshelf where I'd see it constantly. God willing, I'll be there next year. It's a reminder that if I feel cut off (from the fellowship; from God) it's that I'VE cut the communication lines. Me; nobody else.
I'm glad God saves me from myself sometimes.
We stay in fairly rustic type cabins. Each one is CBS; I think sometime along the line they finally put something over the bare cinder blocks (though not in the bathrooms). The cabins are divided in half, with 10 beds each side and a bathroom on each side. Bunk beds. 5 per side of the cabin. Can you see 10 women sharing one bathroom for a long weekend? It should be total chaos, but believe it or not it's never really been a problem in all the years I've been going. Weird.
Anyway, I had to work Thursday, so got there that night and my wife and friends had registered me and grabbed a bunk for me, so I was all taken care of. There are a lot of people I only see at the retreat, and spent some time saying hello to them. I'm like one of Pavlov's dogs; just getting to the retreat grounds makes my mind and body relax to a great extent. Still, I felt off and not quite "there."
We have "cabin meetings" at retreat where the whole 20 people in the cabin hold a recovery meeting for 2 hours. Many times it's longer than that. In the evening meeting on Thursday, I started to get an inkling of what I was really feeling. At the cabin meeting, I was finally able to acknowledge it. I was (am) angry. No, I mean ANGRY!! ENRAGED!! FURIOUS!!! I think I've been angry, enraged and furious for a long time. I thought I was sad and depressed. And I suppose I am those things, too. Why, I wonder, has it taken me so long to realize (and accept) that I'm over the top MAD?!
What I found out about what was going on inside me was that: I'M FUCKING FURIOUS THAT MY FUCKING MOTHER ABANDONED ME!! SHE LEFT ME!! ALONE. HERE TO DEAL WITH EVERYTHING . . . HER HOUSE THAT SHE LET MR. ADDICT ALL BUT DESTROY AND I HAD TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO GET HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE AND GET THE HOUSE CLEANED UP AND GET IT READY TO SELL. HER CLOTHES AND BELOVED THINGS THAT BROKE MY GODDAMN HEART TO HAVE TO SORT THROUGH AND DECIDE WHAT TO KEEP, WHAT TO GIVE TO MY SISTER, WHAT TO SAVE FOR MY FUCKING BROTHER MR. ADDICT. ALL THE WHILE MY HEART'S BEING RIPPED OUT OF MY CHEST BECAUSE MY MOTHER LEFT ME!! SHE COULD HAVE STAYED, I JUST KNOW SHE COULD HAVE, BUT SHE DIDN'T. SHE PROBABLY THOUGHT I'D BE FINE, BECAUSE TO HER I WAS ALWAYS THE STRONG ONE WHO COULD HANDLE ANYTHING. BUT I CAN'T HANDLE EVERYTHING. Didn't she know that I only handled everything for her?? I'm mad because she's gone. I'm mad because I got stuck with all the leftover crap. I don't even really KNOW WHY I'm so goddamn mad. I've been so angry at God. Now, THAT I WAS aware of. Who better to be angry with? And underneath and through it all, I'm angry with myself for not saving her. I could have, should have done something different. SOMETHING. Something so that it would come out different and she wouldn't be dead.
It felt better to admit that I was that mad at life. No one condemned me. I think a few actually understood. Maybe more than a few. All I saw was love and acceptance in that circle. And I was going to deny myself this healing. Geez.
We have a campfire meeting every night, but a special one on Saturday night. It's called a "letting go" ceremony. Every person finds a pine cone. Into that pine cone they put anything, everything they want to let go of/leave behind/change. Then they step forward at the bonfire and tell the group what that pine cone represents; what they're getting rid of. Then they throw it into the fire and let the flames take it. This year I told those at the campfire that I wasn't ready to let go of my mother, or even my grief for my mother. Not yet. I told them that maybe I SHOULD throw my resentment for Mr. Addict in the fire, but I wasn't ready to let go of that yet, either. Maybe next year. But I knew one thing that I needed to let go of and was ready to let go of, and that was my desire to leave this world. I told them that I was throwing away my thoughts of suicide and letting go of my desire to check out. Those thoughts would not be entertained (or "romanced" as my wife says) by me anymore. I got loving hugs from several people, then I took my chair by the fire to watch and listen to the others as they made commitments to leave various troubles behind.
An old friend - more of an acquaintance, really; someone who's been around the rooms of recovery about as long as I have - stepped up to the fire with a giant pine cone in his hand. He shared about the size of it representing some things he wanted to let go of. I wasn't paying real close attention until I heard him say, "but I'm not throwing it in the fire, I'm giving it to Rose to bring back with her next year." So saying, he stepped over to me and whispered that he expected me to take good care of that pine cone and bring it back next year so I could let go of the things I wasn't ready to leave behind this year. He made me promise. Twice.
I was dumb with shock. It took me a little while to understand that it wasn't just about him wanting me to let go of my Mom and Mr. Addict. In fact, it might not have been about that at all. He was trying to make sure that I would be around to come back next year. Wow. We really don't know the effect we have on other people. I like to think, when I'm buried in my self-pity, wanting to die, that it wouldn't affect that many people. That's the addict part of me who wants what I want and doesn't want to fully realize the impact my actions might have on other people. How selfish and self-centered.
I feel humbled by their caring. I felt safe in their love and acceptance. That was all waiting for me, but I'd cut myself away from most of it. If I believed I wasn't important and nobody cared, I could wallow in my misery with no thought of anyone else. And, ok, maybe I needed to wallow awhile. But after Spiritual Retreat, I can't lie to myself anymore.
I put the pine cone up on the bookshelf where I'd see it constantly. God willing, I'll be there next year. It's a reminder that if I feel cut off (from the fellowship; from God) it's that I'VE cut the communication lines. Me; nobody else.
I'm glad God saves me from myself sometimes.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Tagged.
Didn't even KNOW about tagged!
1. If you could build a house anywhere, where would it be? On the water in Victoria, BC
2. What’s your favorite article of clothing? NAKED!
3. Favorite physical feature of the opposite sex? Hands; smile . . .
4. What’s the last CD that you bought? Hmmm, can't remember. It's that old age setting in.5. Where’s your favorite place to be? At the beach with my honey.
6. Where is your least favorite place to be? At the dentist! ARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!
7. What’s your favorite place to be massaged? Uh, is this a trick question??!
6. Where is your least favorite place to be? At the dentist! ARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!
7. What’s your favorite place to be massaged? Uh, is this a trick question??!
8. Strong in mind or strong in body? My honey says my body doesn't smell strong . . .
9. What time do you wake up in the morning? As late as I can get away with!
10. What is your favorite kitchen appliance? Tea kettle
11. What makes you really angry? Dumb-ass people!
12. If you could play any instrument, what would it be? My IPOD
13. Favorite colour? (See you can tell I got tagged by a Brit, note the “u” in color!) RED!
9. What time do you wake up in the morning? As late as I can get away with!
10. What is your favorite kitchen appliance? Tea kettle
11. What makes you really angry? Dumb-ass people!
12. If you could play any instrument, what would it be? My IPOD
13. Favorite colour? (See you can tell I got tagged by a Brit, note the “u” in color!) RED!
14. Which do you prefer…sports car or SUV? My RED Miata
15. Do you believe in an afterlife? Absolutely. It's a requirement after 50 . . .
16. Favorite children’s book? Laura Ingalls Wilder series (Little House, etc.)
16. Favorite children’s book? Laura Ingalls Wilder series (Little House, etc.)
17. What is your favorite season? Spring, sprong, sprung
18. Your least favorite household chore? ALL OF THEM. That's why God invented maids!
19. If you could have one super power, what would it be? To fly! (It's a bird, it's a plane; no, it's SUPERWOMAN!!)
20. If you have a tattoo, what is it? It's a flutterby. Nevermind where.
21. Can you juggle? Oh, yeah, sure. I fly too. See question 19.
18. Your least favorite household chore? ALL OF THEM. That's why God invented maids!
19. If you could have one super power, what would it be? To fly! (It's a bird, it's a plane; no, it's SUPERWOMAN!!)
20. If you have a tattoo, what is it? It's a flutterby. Nevermind where.
21. Can you juggle? Oh, yeah, sure. I fly too. See question 19.
22. The one person from your past that you wish you could go back and talk to? I'm too old. There's too many. Can't choose just one.
23. What’s your favorite day? Friday.
24. What’s in the trunk of your car? Enough space for perhaps a pregnant flea. Maybe.
25. Which do you prefer, sushi or hamburger? Raw is for VEGETABLES! Burger, please.
Now, I've got to tag somebody. Hmmmmmm. Let's go get Sarge. sargecharlie.blogspot.com/
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Long weekends
It's Sunday evening and I've got tomorrow off and, boy, I just love that. Not that I don't like my job, cuz I do. But I like play time the best. Friday we had our friends to dinner and cards. First time we've had "guests" to our new home since we moved in in October. Funny how that made it feel so much more like a real home to me. We had a blast. Yesterday was lazy, lazy, lazy. My stomach wasn't feeling too well (again) and that's getting so old. I guess I'm going to have to see my doctor about it, since it doesn't seem to want to go away. Ugh.
Today we went to a renewal of vows of a co-worker I like. I'd RSVP'd a long time ago, so couldn't change things to join my Red Hat group to celebrate winning first prize in the parade. I'm looking at Empress Bee's photos and feeling just a little left out. But the wedding/renewal was nice.
I'm more balanced out today, after the sad/angry feelings with the house and Mr. Addict. I'd like to be able to hang onto this serenity easier; want to get ALL BETTER RIGHT NOW. But I'm learning to appreciate the good days; I'm learning to recognize the signs of healing.
My kitties help with that a lot. Our three furry friends are a delight to DC and me. They are so loving and cute and soft and love-us-no-matter-what. Their antics and individual personalities endlessly entertain me. Pets really are good for you. I wish I knew how to post photos, cuz I'd bore you with photos of my babies. Ha ha!
Our friends from Friday night help with the healing too. A few months ago I wouldn't have had the energy or willingness to entertain. Depression will do that to you. Thank God it's better now. Wore my Mom's dress today to the wedding and her beautiful deep red shoes. Got compliments on the outfit. She was a classy dresser, and it felt good to wear her things. Not painful, just good and right. I'll never get over missing her, but I can welcome the healing from never being able to think of her without scorching pain.
I think she's smiling down at me.
Today we went to a renewal of vows of a co-worker I like. I'd RSVP'd a long time ago, so couldn't change things to join my Red Hat group to celebrate winning first prize in the parade. I'm looking at Empress Bee's photos and feeling just a little left out. But the wedding/renewal was nice.
I'm more balanced out today, after the sad/angry feelings with the house and Mr. Addict. I'd like to be able to hang onto this serenity easier; want to get ALL BETTER RIGHT NOW. But I'm learning to appreciate the good days; I'm learning to recognize the signs of healing.
My kitties help with that a lot. Our three furry friends are a delight to DC and me. They are so loving and cute and soft and love-us-no-matter-what. Their antics and individual personalities endlessly entertain me. Pets really are good for you. I wish I knew how to post photos, cuz I'd bore you with photos of my babies. Ha ha!
Our friends from Friday night help with the healing too. A few months ago I wouldn't have had the energy or willingness to entertain. Depression will do that to you. Thank God it's better now. Wore my Mom's dress today to the wedding and her beautiful deep red shoes. Got compliments on the outfit. She was a classy dresser, and it felt good to wear her things. Not painful, just good and right. I'll never get over missing her, but I can welcome the healing from never being able to think of her without scorching pain.
I think she's smiling down at me.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Hmmmmm
| Your Blog Should Be Purple |
 You're an expressive, offbeat blogger who tends to write about anything and everything. You tend to set blogging trends, and you're the most likely to write your own meme or survey. You are a bit distant though. Your blog is all about you - not what anyone else has to say. |
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