Today, 24 years ago, my brother was murdered. I can remember that for years and years I started dreading February 5th in December at the latest. Every time of the year was measured by when Lewie died. He was the middle boy, 11 years younger than me. Two years older than Mr. Addict; two years younger than Andy. Andy is dead now, too. From a combination of physical disease and addiction. He had scleroderma since he was a child, then developed type one (juvenile) diabetes in his 20's. No one expected Andy to live to be an adult, but he died in December 2000, just after his 42nd birthday. He died at the house in Mom's arms.
Lewie died in Andy's arms at the age of 22. No one expected him to die. He was the bright shining star of the boys in the family. But he was stabbed through the heart. Mom and Dad never got over it. Neither did Andy. His addiction took off at a full run then. So did mine, but I hit my own personal brick wall three years later and staggered into the rooms of recovery. Unfortunately, neither Dad nor Andy sought any help and their grief ate them up inside.
My mother and I were involved in Parents of Murdered Children for some years after Lewie's death. It helped a little.
Even after all these years, I think "what a waste; what a loss." Lewie was so smart, creative, innovative, kind hearted. He could fix anything and he would have been in 7th heaven with computers!! Maybe he's in 7th heaven now anyway. Maybe they've got computers in heaven.
I flew out to Texas when it happened. To help Andy bring Lewie back home. I saw Lewie's body - after autopsy - on a gurney in the hall at the medical examiner's. I needed to see his body and say goodbye, but the sight haunted me for a long, long time. We had him cremated and I held his warm ashes on my lap on the plane home.
I don't have a candle here at work to light. I forgot, can you believe that? The candle, not the anniversary. I used to call Mom on this day and just let her know I remembered. Maybe I'll call my sister. There's not very many people left who remember Lewie. My children were very young when it happened. My wife, of course, never knew him. Dad, Mom, and Andy are gone too. There's just sister, Mr. Addict, and myself. Someday there won't be anyone left that remembers me, either. What a strange thought.
If we're forgotten, does it mean we really didn't exist? Is that just the end of us? I don't THINK that can be right, but what the hell do I know, really?
Lewie, I love you and still miss you. You'd be happy for me if you were still here. You didn't like my using drugs. I choose to think that he knows, and IS happy for me, even now. But, still, I wish he'd stayed and our lives hadn't been utterly torn apart at about 8pm on that Saturday evening, February 5, 1983.
Monday, February 5, 2007
Saturday, February 3, 2007
DOC DANCE
Yesterday Bee told me that she was doing the doc dance b/c her cruise documents had come in. She was raving about the way they were packaged. Now, my wife and I are going with Bee and Charlie on the cruise and booked with the same travel agent, so I immediately thought, "Where's MINE?" I called home and DC said, no, no DHL delivered package was there. Hmmmm.
So I got thinking. I wonder if I told the travel agency we'd moved? The cruise line knew b/c I'd (like the good little anal-retentive person I can be) already filled out our immigration papers online. So, they had our new address. So, all the travel agency had to do, if they didn't have our new address , is check the address on the cruise documents, and - voila - we'd have it sent to the correct place! But the DHL package wasn't there. And Bee and Charlie had THEIRS already and we didn't have ours. Hmmmmm.
Then I thought, 'I think I knew we were moving when I first made the reservations, so surely I gave the agent our new address when I booked the cruise.' Yeah. Well. Except for the fact that I still lived at the other address THEN and would have wanted anything they sent to me come to my PRESENT address, so that probably wasn't what I did. Darn.
Then I started to worry. Called the travel agency, but didn't our agent had changed b/c the one we booked with left the agency. Finally found the one that took over our booking, but of course she wasn't there. I left a message. Surely they didn't send those precious cruise documents to the old address??! Surely DHL didn't leave them there on the doorstep. We used to live in a large apartment complex. Large. Apartment complex. Get the picture? Anything that looked valuable just left sitting in front of some apartment door was fair game. Oh shit!! Surely they didn't do that.
My wife and I are sitting in the living room watching a movie (yea Netflix!) when my cell phone rings and it's some number I didn't recognize. So I didn't answer it. They left no message.
Then I get a call from the travel agent (finally). The worst was true. Yes, she had my old address (I promptly gave her our new one), and, yep, she duly sent our docs out via DHL to the old address. DHL showed it had been delivered that day. Wonderful.
I informed the agent that this could be a disaster b/c of the unsecure location if DHL left it on the doorstep and the unknown element of who - if anybody - lived in our old apartment now. She said she'd contact DHL and tell them to pick it up, but she warned me they might not be able to get back out there until Monday (this was Friday).
While I was talking to the agent, that other number who'd called before beeped in. I ignored it. BUT, when I got off the phone with the agent, I realized that the telephone number's prefix was the same as ours used to be. A Boynton number. I said "oh my God, DC, I wonder if it's the people who live in our old apartment who called?" She had my cell phone, and called the number back. It went straight to voice mail. She left a message. We went back to the movie. But I was restless and a few minutes later, I asked DC to call the number back. She'd already started dialing.
You probably guessed it. A woman answers and DC asks "Did you call this number?" The woman says yes and then asks, "Were you expecting a package from DHL?" My wife quickly told her YES and then we all started to figure out how and when we could get it. We realized that the safest thing was to just go down there. But the woman was going out, and she offered to leave it under the doormat. Since we'd be missing each other by a short period of time, we said that would be ok. We also told her we'd be leaving a "thank you" under the mat.
DC and I were in our pjs. We hadn't intended on going anywhere last night. We looked at each other and she said, "I'm going in this" and I said "me too" so we both threw on a pair of flip flops and were out the door in seconds flat.
40 minutes or so later we pulled up in front of our old building. Thankfully, we hadn't got stopped for anything. Probably b/c DC was driving and not me. DC jumped out of the car and came back moments later with our package in hand. We left the woman a nice bonus for her kindness, integrity and honesty.
Bee was right, the document holder was very stylish. Of course we couldn't wait to get home before tearing it open and looking at our TICKETS!! When we got home, we literally jumped up and down together yelling "We got our documents! We're going on a CRUISE!!" OK, ok, we're easy to please. And excitable. And still in our pjs. Good thing the woman really WAS out and we didn't have to "make nice" with her standing there in our nightgowns.
Having the documents somehow always makes it seem so REAL, so CLOSE. I dreamed about it last night. We were supposed to leave that day and I hadn't even packed yet!!! Now, that probably won't happen. Not with ole list-maker-every-little-detail-gone-over-with-fine-tooth-comb me!
I told my grief counselor that lately all that keeps me going is looking forward to the next vacation. She said anything that works for now and it'll get better. I thank God that Bee suggested it back in July. She was right, it really DOES help to have something to look forward to. I'll try not to think about how nice it would be if Mommy was coming too. Maybe she will be in spirit. I know she'd be happy we're going. I'll hang onto that thought.
So I got thinking. I wonder if I told the travel agency we'd moved? The cruise line knew b/c I'd (like the good little anal-retentive person I can be) already filled out our immigration papers online. So, they had our new address. So, all the travel agency had to do, if they didn't have our new address , is check the address on the cruise documents, and - voila - we'd have it sent to the correct place! But the DHL package wasn't there. And Bee and Charlie had THEIRS already and we didn't have ours. Hmmmmm.
Then I thought, 'I think I knew we were moving when I first made the reservations, so surely I gave the agent our new address when I booked the cruise.' Yeah. Well. Except for the fact that I still lived at the other address THEN and would have wanted anything they sent to me come to my PRESENT address, so that probably wasn't what I did. Darn.
Then I started to worry. Called the travel agency, but didn't our agent had changed b/c the one we booked with left the agency. Finally found the one that took over our booking, but of course she wasn't there. I left a message. Surely they didn't send those precious cruise documents to the old address??! Surely DHL didn't leave them there on the doorstep. We used to live in a large apartment complex. Large. Apartment complex. Get the picture? Anything that looked valuable just left sitting in front of some apartment door was fair game. Oh shit!! Surely they didn't do that.
My wife and I are sitting in the living room watching a movie (yea Netflix!) when my cell phone rings and it's some number I didn't recognize. So I didn't answer it. They left no message.
Then I get a call from the travel agent (finally). The worst was true. Yes, she had my old address (I promptly gave her our new one), and, yep, she duly sent our docs out via DHL to the old address. DHL showed it had been delivered that day. Wonderful.
I informed the agent that this could be a disaster b/c of the unsecure location if DHL left it on the doorstep and the unknown element of who - if anybody - lived in our old apartment now. She said she'd contact DHL and tell them to pick it up, but she warned me they might not be able to get back out there until Monday (this was Friday).
While I was talking to the agent, that other number who'd called before beeped in. I ignored it. BUT, when I got off the phone with the agent, I realized that the telephone number's prefix was the same as ours used to be. A Boynton number. I said "oh my God, DC, I wonder if it's the people who live in our old apartment who called?" She had my cell phone, and called the number back. It went straight to voice mail. She left a message. We went back to the movie. But I was restless and a few minutes later, I asked DC to call the number back. She'd already started dialing.
You probably guessed it. A woman answers and DC asks "Did you call this number?" The woman says yes and then asks, "Were you expecting a package from DHL?" My wife quickly told her YES and then we all started to figure out how and when we could get it. We realized that the safest thing was to just go down there. But the woman was going out, and she offered to leave it under the doormat. Since we'd be missing each other by a short period of time, we said that would be ok. We also told her we'd be leaving a "thank you" under the mat.
DC and I were in our pjs. We hadn't intended on going anywhere last night. We looked at each other and she said, "I'm going in this" and I said "me too" so we both threw on a pair of flip flops and were out the door in seconds flat.
40 minutes or so later we pulled up in front of our old building. Thankfully, we hadn't got stopped for anything. Probably b/c DC was driving and not me. DC jumped out of the car and came back moments later with our package in hand. We left the woman a nice bonus for her kindness, integrity and honesty.
Bee was right, the document holder was very stylish. Of course we couldn't wait to get home before tearing it open and looking at our TICKETS!! When we got home, we literally jumped up and down together yelling "We got our documents! We're going on a CRUISE!!" OK, ok, we're easy to please. And excitable. And still in our pjs. Good thing the woman really WAS out and we didn't have to "make nice" with her standing there in our nightgowns.
Having the documents somehow always makes it seem so REAL, so CLOSE. I dreamed about it last night. We were supposed to leave that day and I hadn't even packed yet!!! Now, that probably won't happen. Not with ole list-maker-every-little-detail-gone-over-with-fine-tooth-comb me!
I told my grief counselor that lately all that keeps me going is looking forward to the next vacation. She said anything that works for now and it'll get better. I thank God that Bee suggested it back in July. She was right, it really DOES help to have something to look forward to. I'll try not to think about how nice it would be if Mommy was coming too. Maybe she will be in spirit. I know she'd be happy we're going. I'll hang onto that thought.
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