Back again

Have had a couple of rough days. Still sick from this flu thing that I'm beginning to think I'll NEVER get over.

I've been thinking about how I've got to approach blogging and decided that I've got to just do it for myself and not with the idea of who - if anyone - is going to read it and how they'll react. I hope no one takes that personal or thinks I don't care about my audience. It's just that I CAN'T write thinking about my audience. Anyway.

Sarge C thinks I ought to talk about the botched execution that led to them stopping executions in Florida. Probably b/c when it happened, I emailed him a rant and rave about it. So I probably will. A little later.

I'm sick of being sick. I want to frolic again. Having an active sex life again would be good, too. This is disgusting!

Friday I had to go to my probate lawyer's office. That sent me into a spin. Every time I have to deal with anything relating to Mom, I've got all these emotions coming up and swamping me. I'm trying to sell her house and, in Florida, the housing market went from stellar to sucky almost overnight. So, it's been sitting there. First I had to deal with the MESS left from my brother-the-active-addict-who-made-my-mother's-last-year-a-living-hell (hereinafter known as "Mr. Addict"). Mom had her heart attack literally trying to clean up the place to get it ready to sell, as she'd finally made the decision to move in with my daughter in North Carolina. That would have been a good move, but it wasn't meant to be. Over a thousand dollars and several full dumpsters later, Mr. Addict's JUNK was cleared away. So much rage and pain. I hate him/love him/understand him/am baffled by him . . . Most of all, I don't trust him. Well, I don't know if the distrust is the dominant feeling I have about him, but it's the most consistent. It distresses me to realize that at my age and experience, I've come across a person that I can think of no scenario where I could fully forgive him.

Anyway, I found myself on Friday evening reliving the last two weeks of Mom's death and the awful aftermath. My wife, DC, tells me to remember the good times - and there are SO MANY good times. But when I get in that downward spiral, there I am again reliving the most painful moments of my life and wondering how in hell I ever got through them in the first place.
Then I think things like "why am I living?" "Why struggle to do what??? Work and eat and sleep and eventually die anyway??" I don't know the answers to why I'm here, but in better moments I have gratitude and hope and things that make me think it'll seem worth it if I just hang on.

My sister is so good to me (hereinafter "Loving Sister"). When I fret about what to do about the house and worry about her dire financial situation and her ill health and wanting to get money to her and wanting to save her and keep her healthy, etc. etc. (yes, I'm the rescuer eldest child), she tells me how she knows I'm doing the best I can, that she'll be all right, and that anything I want to do as far as Mom's stuff is ok by her and not to worry. How cool is that?

Saturday I spent married to the toilet - thank you flu. Today has been mostly the same. I finally feel well enough to sit here at the computer. I've got to reserve strength, as I have very little sick time to take at work.

Anybody want to comment on this depressing crap is more than welcome to do so. It's good to have a forum to just let it all out. I thank you.