Well, yesterday, I signed a contract for the sale of my mom's house. Hopefully, all will go well, especially since it's a cash deal.
On the way back from the real estate agent, I swung by Ma's place. How am I going to be able to say goodbye to that house? How am I going to be able to let it go? I sat there and looked at it and imagined Mom coming out onto the front porch and waving hello. I remembered when I'd stop by the house to pick up Dad to go to church (Mom went early for bible study) and he'd hobble out. We all sang in choir together: Me a soprano, Mom a strong alto, and Dad bass. I loved singing in the choir. It was something we did together as a family for years.
I remembered my oldest younger brother who died in that house in December 2000 of a heart attack. He was a brittle diabetic, had a serious autoimmune disease, and was an active addict. He was 42. I remembered sitting with Dad and he died in the bedroom. I remembered being at the house that awful Saturday in February 1983 when we got the call that my middle brother was dead; murdered.
I also remembered all the parties, the fun in the back yard that my mother kept so lovely. I remembered the Thanksgivings and how Mom always set the prettiest table. I remember the jasmine that grows in the front yard and how Mom would pull off a sprig for me. I'm drinking jasmine tea right now and it reminds me of her. So many, many memories. Of my children growing up, spending so much time at their grandparents' home. It was always a second home to them. With all the moving around I used to do, it might have seemed like their first home. The most stable home.
How am I going to let my family home go?? I kept hearing the phrase "ashes, ashes, we all fall down!" in my head. They're all gone. I'm alive and so many of my family is gone. I lived this long for this? I remember my Dad saying that when he lost his favorite son to murder. "I lived for this?" We have families just to see them all go?
How am I going to stand saying goodbye? I can't live there myself. Honestly, it's not a house I'd want, but mostly it would make me too sad, too haunted, to live there. So I'm going to have to say goodbye. I pray that some family will love it. I pray someone will love the yard and make it pretty again like Ma did. I hope those walls know love again.
Sometimes I find living just breaks my heart.
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8 comments:
Well now Miss Rose, the house is an object, your memories are yours and no one can take those away. Letting go is a hard thing, if it were easy it would not mean so much.
That's true, Charlie. But that house sure is more than just an object to me. I keep reminding myself that, had Mom lived, she was planning on selling it and moving, anyway. That thought helps. The funny thing is, though, that even back then when I just thought she was moving, I was sad that she was going to have to sell the house. Places have always affected me like that.
Oh, well, I'll get over it. Eventually.
i think we all feel attached to our original home. i know i do and whenever we travel to maryland i ride by it and look at it. it looks bigger than i remember and the roof is original slate, imagine, over 55 years old and still good. bee
thanks for visiting Rose,
yes its wonderful to be there!
you should come and give bali a visit! :)
Rose, I know exactly (okay, I can empathize) with what you're going through: both of my grandparents passed away, and since my mom is not capable (a drunk) of handling anything, it is up to my sister & me to sell the house.
Neither of us want it.
But neither of us wanted to sell it.
Then the realtor talked us into a bad deal, which has lingered and lingered (the buyer can't get financing). It is still dragging on.
On the phone tonight, almost at the same time, my sister and I said "I just want this to be over"
Not because we don't love that house, but like Sarge said: the memories we will always have, sometimes the physical part just has to move on.
Wow, Mo, you DO know what I'm going through! I've said that so many times: "I just want this to be over!" Just like you said, not because we don't love the house, but sometimes the physical part just has to move on.
Thanks for your support.
dinner and cards with friends is a great way to spend an evening
Don't forget (on the "how" you will get through it) that I am ALWAYS here to lean on, Sweet Beloved Wife!
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